I’ve always seen myself as someone different to how I might look from the outside. Up until recently I have tended to act and dress as someone almost 10 years older than my actual age, just doing enough to get by and not look like an escapee from the circus. I also did things that I thought other people expected of me instead of doing what I wanted.
It’s not been a conscious decision but one that evolved as I put my family’s needs before my own.
As I begin to brand my business and in a sense myself, I have begun to think about who I am. Not as a mother or a daughter or a photographer, but who I am as Angela.
At the end of the day if all these labels were to disappear, who am I?
I know now I am not a woman who sacrifices her own dreams simply to make other people happy. I am a woman who loves quality in my life, whether it’s tangible like a great pair of tailored trousers or immaterial like spending quality time with an old friend. I want more quality in my life.
I have such a thirst for learning and want to discover new things in this world. I want to do more in this world for those that aren’t as fortunate as me. I want to feel and be beautiful and I want to be wanted and I shouldn’t be ashamed to want this either.
I took this self-portrait yesterday and when I saw it, I felt that the world stopped revolving for just a second. I can see the woman I am becoming in this image and I felt just a little beautiful. I can see her dreams and wishes and can see exciting things in her future. At first I felt guilty when I started to feel this way and then I gave myself a good shake and let myself revel for just a moment. Since we started planning our wedding and secretly I thought of what sort of bride I might make, for just a moment yesterday I saw her.
I feel a little like Shrek during his “onions have layers” speech. I am not who I make look like on the outside, but so much more. I am beginning to let the shells of labels fall away as I find out the woman I am meant to be deep down and I hope to come back in a year and read this post again and perhaps be closer to that woman I am meant to be. Lets hope she’s a little skinnier too without outgrown roots
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